(Dis)Contentment

If you've never visited here before, you have no idea of what I'm speaking. But if you're a repeat reader, then you'll notice some changes in how the blog looks. I am happy with it for now, but be aware that I am easily distracted and will no doubt change it again, and again, and yet again.
The problem is that I hadn't given this much thought before, but what does my constant dissatisfaction say about me. I know there's nothing inherently wrong with change or making a change, and not even in desiring a change. Unless this leads to coveting. (See Exodus 20:17)
Does this include blog coveting? Perhaps wishing I had more time to devote, as others seem to, or that I had more wisdom to impart, or that I could have more followers (let's be honest, that's a big one in the blogosphere). What does this virtual discontentment say about me really?

Can I be truly trusting completely in God, and yet be discontented? I love this quote, as countless others do no doubt, by John Piper, "God is most glorified, when we are most satisfied in Him."   Am I truly satisfied in Him, when I desire constant change, constant new, something more? I think by definition this cannot be satisfaction. 

Now the question becomes, "Why am I not satisfied in Him?" 

Why isn't God enough for me? I do want to glorify Him. At least that's what I think and say, but what does this continual desire for the new, the different, the more say? If I take Mr. Piper's statement for what it says, then I have to say that I must either not truly wish to glorify God or that I don't desire Him as my satisfaction, and maybe both. 
"Blessed are those who keep his testimonies, who seek him with their whole heart,"-Psalm 119:2
Doesn't this Scripture point us to seek God for everything?
And when Christ was asked what was the greatest commandment, here's what He said, "And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment."-Matthew 22:37-38
I believe John Piper was right in saying that the greatest thing we could do for the glory of God was to seek complete satisfaction in Him. However seeking complete satisfaction and actually continually possessing it are two separate things, and until we are dead and in the very presence of God we cannot be fully satisfied. So, perhaps C.S. Lewis was right when talking about our desires leading to our dissatisfaction which leads us to God the only One who can satisfy our every longing. (If you haven't read it, I highly recommend C.S. Lewis's autobiography, "Surprised By Joy", where he goes into greater detail about this.) My discontentment with myself and my longing for something better can lead me to God. Of course after I get there, I will be shocked and frightened by His holiness, but nevertheless, I think we all long for Him somehow. 
If I weren't dissatisfied, I wouldn't seek God, but just because I am endeavoring to be satisfied in God, doesn't mean that my flesh won't fail and I will be discontent. 
"My soul longs for your salvation; I hope in your word. My eyes long for your promise; I ask, "When will you comfort me?""-Psalm 119:81-82. 
There is no hope apart from God, and for that knowledge I am eternally grateful to You, O God!

Trying to Bake Bread

We eat a lot of bread at our house, mostly because sandwiches are an easy lunch when there are no leftovers to be had. And, in case you didn't know, my mom is one of the greatest bakers of bread who ever lived. I learned how to make bread from her, a little, I'm not as good at it, but I thought "Hey, what a great way to save a little money."
I'm not sure that I'll be able to keep it up, but I'm hoping to start baking our bread, all of it, in bulk and freeze it so we don't have to buy a loaf or more a week. I'm also hoping it will be a healthier alternative, as I can make it whole grain wheat.
My first attempt wasn't so great. It didn't raise well and the flavor and texture wasn't so good. I had used a packet of instant yeast, and I'm not sure if it was the yeast, the weather (my mom says humidity levels can greatly affect how it turns out), or the recipe I got online, or just me (I'm leaning towards the latter).
However, my husband has been so kind as to eat some of it without saying he was disgusted. And my mom gave me some advice. She suggested I make my own sourdough starter (it's the leaven). So, I followed, what I hope, is an easy recipe of 1/2 cup starchy water (I used water I drained after boiling potatoes, but you can use water after boiling pasta, or pineapple juice?, that's what the website said), 1/2 cup whole wheat flour and stir well in a jar, covered with a coffee filter attached with a rubber band, and I am waiting. (The site also suggested placing the jar in your oven with the light on to create the right atmosphere.)

This is what my starter looked like last night. (Yes, those are Shelby's paintings that adorn our kitchen wall, and the picture on the calender is of my sweet little nephew, Jackson. His mom so wonderfully and graciously makes everyone in our family a calendar each Christmas with pictures of all the grandkids on them. God has truly blessed me with wonderful sisters-in-law.)
You have to feed your starter about every twelve hours until the yeast starts to make bubbles. Here's what my starter looks like this morning after it's 5:30 feeding (above). And it went back into the oven with the light only on.

Here's what I saw when I opened it a few minutes ago! Are these bubbles?!? Wow, okay I'm going to have to call mom to see what to do now. Sounds like bread will be baking within a week. Mmmm. Let us hope for better results, for now though, I'll have to buy at least one more small loaf at the store :(
Happy Baking, everybody!

Mrs. Mary Klepper : )

I felt compelled this morning to thank God for and publicly recognize someone: Mrs. Mary Klepper. Mrs. Klepper was my Sunday School teacher from about the age of 7 to twelve or thirteen. We went to a small church, and my own mother had been the only other Sunday School teacher I had until then. I remember thinking it was a tremendously big deal to go to Mrs. Klepper's class, because that's where my older brother had been and my little brother would not be, at least for a little while.
When I started in her class, there were literally only two kids in the class, including me, and the other was her grandson. I realize that no one here, or very many places for that matter, will know or remember such a lady, but God used her faithfulness to have a big impact on my life at an early age.
You see, Mrs. Klepper's class was very different from Sunday School classrooms then, and definitely now. We were elementary age children, but we didn't do crafts every week, we didn't do silly songs or dances, and there was absolutely no place for us to make a lot of noise. I realize in stating this that some people will think that I am crazy in praising such a woman who obviously didn't understand that such young children needed constant stimulation to help them learn anything, but I think Mrs. Klepper was wise beyond this world.
The main focus of Mrs. Klepper's class was always the Word of God. We read it, even when we weren't very good readers. We memorized it, even when I would've rather done anything else. We weren't allowed to talk about the Bible in any way that might be irreverent or silly. And she was never afraid to discipline or worse *gulp* send you to your parents in the adult class and let them discipline you. (This latter part was often what happened to me, and there was seemingly nothing that could make my parents more upset than for me to be sent out of my class and into theirs in front of all the adults, so that I could tell them why I was being sent out, and inevitably be spanked on the church steps.)
What I remember most about Mrs. Klepper was that she was not a dynamic personality and didn't exactly draw people to her. For the most part, she was timid, quiet, and modest. She was not a gifted teacher, nor did she have any kind of special methods for keeping our attention. As a matter of fact, I think what I admire most about her, is that we weren't pampered and she wasn't trying to captivate our attention. She was simply going to teach God's Word, and we were simply expected to give her and the Word our utmost attention and reverence. She came every week and taught so faithfully, even when I was such a terrible kid to have in class (I was constantly cutting up in class and being disrespectful in general).
I now honor and revere the fact that she at least didn't let on that she cared whether or not we wanted to be there or learn, we were simply expected to do it. I know that to most people, especially now, this seems foreign and even cruel, but I learned more in her class than anywhere else in my young life about the most important thing I could learn from, The Holy Bible.
I think if there is anything I can learn from this precious saint's persevering, it's that when it comes to God's Word we must be reverent and we mustn't allow our children to be otherwise. I also can see how the things we think may be enabling children to learn more easily, especially in church, may actually be hindering learning and distracting or confusing them about the things of God. We can send mixed messages to our kids if we're not careful.
It's hard to convince anyone that the high and holy truths of God are important and real and serious if you're presenting it in a clown suit. So often I see in myself, and in others, the temptation and the giving in to that temptation, to try to make the Word of God more exciting or interesting to kids by entertaining them. My own daughter and I started, by accident, to read through the entire Bible together, and I've been shocked at what she's learned from it. We don't skip any passages, and as of last night, we finished the book of Habakkuk.
I have yet to find a text where Jesus, the perfect teacher, had to dress up in silly clothes or play games or do crafts in order to get His audiences attention, and there were often children in that audience (Matthew 10:19; Mark 19:14; Luke 18:16).
There is nothing more serious than where your soul will spend eternity, and the understanding that an eternity in hell is the only just and right judgement for us all. Simply telling our kids that Jesus loves them is leaving out some of the most important things, like, sin, death, righteousness, hell, and the real reason we love Jesus, His atoning death on the cross. Without an understanding of our sinful nature and our inability to please God in it, our kids will have a misunderstanding of the true gospel. Yes, Jesus loves me, but why does that matter?
The entire book of Proverbs is for instruction from childhood to adulthood.
Kids are capable of a lot more than we often require of them. It wasn't too long ago that everyone in church, regardless of age, was expected to sit quietly and give the preaching of the Word of God their full attention. Kids don't need more entertainment, they get that everywhere else 24 hours a day. What they need is the same thing that all who are lost to salvation need, they need the gospel, pure and
uncensored.
The best example I can think of in Scripture as to how we are to educate our kids is in Deuteronomy 6:6-9: "And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. And thou shalt bind them for a sign upon thine hand, and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes. And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates."
This is not to say that we have to find ways to be more entertaining and creative in the things of our everyday lives, it simply means that we are faithful at all times and in all things, using the opportunities that are given to us constantly.
I'm not advocating that we can't be creative or sing songs or use any of the arts either in teaching or in worship for that matter, but what I am advocating is a deliberate seriousness to what we are doing. And a clear differentiation between everything we do to teach our children about the things of God in order that they may see the reality and seriousness of the nature of God. I want my daughter to know that what we do at church is different that what we would do on a play date or at a library kids group. I want her to see a distinction between the things of God and the things of the world, and I want her to know that this is real and is the most important thing to her parents and to her.
I'm sure Mrs. Klepper has long since passed away, the last I heard of her was when I was in college and she was in a nursing home then, but I'm also sure that she is in the very presence of her Lord and Savior now. Let's endeavor to do as Mrs. Klepper did, and simply be faithful and reverent as we teach all of God's Word and leave the instilling of that Word in the lives of the young ears around us to the work of the Holy Spirit. Remember, we can't save ourselves, let alone anyone else, so why not just be serious with your kids about things that are truly serious, and trust God for the saving of their souls. And may we always remember what Jonah had to find out the hard way, "Salvation is of the LORD." (Jonah 2:9b)

Tales from the Potty...

Well, we do wear big girl panties during the day, but. . . . pull-ups at night. So far we are having fewer accidents during waking hours, but there are dry nights and the-entire-bed-is-soaked-you're-taking-a-bath nights. Praise God for the progress we have made so far, but we are down to a hand full of pull-ups, and so far I haven't been able to make myself buy any more (I HATE pull-ups!). You see, we tried the potty bootcamp with our daughter last September and she was going great after three days of training. I thought, "Wow, this really worked, we'll be in panties everywhere in no time!" Someone should've slapped me back to my senses. After two weeks of doing well, we went to the beach for a week-long vacation, the first vacation my husband and I had taken since we got married and had a three day honeymoon in Gatlinburg (yes, it was a little redneck, lol). So, I thought we'll try this great product called pull-ups. After all, they're training pants, and she could wear them so we wouldn't have to worry about accidents in the beach house we had rented or on the long car ride to and from the beach.

After a week in pull-ups at the beach, we were almost completely un-potty-trained : (

But I didn't give up. Besides, she was having so many accidents now that I couldn't bear the thought of taking them off of her. Fast forward to January and her two-year-old check-up, and I talked with her pediatrician about it (she happens to be a mother of four), and she said, "Pull-ups are only good for long car trips and night accident prevention. They are just a diaper that leaks."

She then suggested that I try her without them, and a friend of mine said that someone she knew had dealt with the same problem, and the only way they got past it was to let their child go naked, because they won't pee on themselves naked.

I pondered these things, and worried about our house which is mostly carpeted, but noticed that Shelby never peed on herself when I got her out of the bathtub at night even though she usually used the potty immediately afterwards.

Well, in February I decided to try letting her go bottomless, but I put long dresses on her, because we were afraid she'd grow up to be a nudist (yes, we're that crazy and conscientious), lol. And she did great. We had the occasional accident at first, especially when we were tired or extremely distracted, but she really got it.

However, and I think this is due to my excessive use of pull-ups, she still thought that if she had anything on at all, including the thinnest panties that she should be able to poop and especially pee in them :(

After a few months of wearing nothing on the bottom and no accidents when we went bottomless (we were still wearing pull-ups when we went out or to other people's homes), I had bought and thrown away enough pull-ups to last a life time, and hope to be rid of them forever soon. I just put panties on her (with the most absorbent easy to get down pants I could find), and resolved to not look back no matter how often we peed in the floor. (I am currently looking for a good carpet steamer).

Shelby has been in panties now everywhere during the day since before Mother's Day!!!! :D

However, our nights are still hit and miss, and as I stated above we are running low on pull-ups for night. I am very tempted to buy more, because, honestly I don't want to wake up every night and change the sheets and give her another bath. But, I'm afraid that as long as I allow her that dependance, she will never learn to go to the potty at night.

We are also having trouble going in time when we are around other kids or at places that she's enjoying too much (i.e. we've peed in our pants at the zoo, on the playground, outside at parties, outside at Vacation Bible School, in a children's museum, on playdates, etc.).

I am praying about it, and any insight you can give me on the topic will be greatly appreciated, preferably before we run out of pull-ups.

God is Still Good

Romans 8:28-39 

You most likely didn't know that I was pregnant, and just found out today that we have had yet another miscarriage. This makes the third baby we have lost since November 2009 . I know it may seem odd that I would write a blog post on a day like today, but I wanted to share while my emotions are still fresh and God's grace so near and precious to me. 
If you have read my previous post, you will know that our parenthood journey hasn't been the easiest or a pleasant one at all times. We still desire a large family, but don't know what it will look like or when it will happen, and we are definitely open to adoption, just not financially able at present. 
I had been told last Friday that there was "reason for concern" with this pregnancy and not just my history, so I had went home and cried and prayed and asked everyone I could to pray for me, even if I didn't tell them why I wanted them to pray. I had been reading God's Word, and looking for any hope I could find there. And yet once again I was reminded that the only hope is in knowing who God is. I mean by that, knowing that God is good, perfect, and infinite in wisdom and power, love and mercy. This is what I have been holding on to in both our previous losses as well as today. 
There is no hope outside of Christ Jesus. 
My pride and arrogance tempts me and would lead me to believe that I deserve more children, because I see others have no problem having children and many of them being ungrateful for them and desiring to not have them as a burden. I see others that have never lost like this and am tempted to be bitter towards them when they offer any words meant for comfort. I am tempted to doubt God's very goodness, mercy, forgiveness, grace, and love that He has extended towards me in reconciling me to Him through the substitutionary death of Jesus Christ. I am tempted to believe that I have offended God in all my sinfulness, and this is some kind of punishment for being unfit. I am tempted to complain to others or about others as I see I am suffering and they seemingly are not. I am tempted to be bitter towards those who are very able to have a large family and proclaim it is a testimony to God's blessing and is a family's way of glorifying God. I am tempted to retreat into a corner and avoid all human contact even at the neglect of my family and myself. I am tempted to be angry with God at the seeming injustice of my children dying while other's live. I am tempted to be bitter and angry with my husband, and I'm really not sure why. I am tempted to never talk about this and pretend it never happened and this baby never really existed. I am tempted to give up on sex entirely, and say I must not be meant to have any more children. I am tempted to blame the doctor, that Mt. Dew I drank before I knew I was pregnant or the prenatal vitamin I forgot to take after I knew I was pregnant, lifting my daughter, doing housework, running, or any number of things that I normally would do, but now are suspect causes of pain. I am tempted to give up on prayer and crying out to God in my needs. I am tempted to eat my own body weight in chocolate. I am tempted to buy an i-phone on a credit card. I am tempted to ignore everyone and everything in an attempt to gain sympathy for myself. I am tempted to watch tv or clean to avoid thinking about it. I am tempted to erase this very blog right now. 
But God,....probably some of the most powerful and hope filled words that can ever be spoken. I know that I am evil (Psalms 14:3 ) and deserve nothing but God's eternal wrath, and yet Christ's sacrifice has atoned or paid for my sins, taking all my punishment and leaving me only with His righteousness in it's place (2 Corinthians 5:21 ). Because I know this, I know that anything good has by God's divine and sovereign grace been given to me (James 1:17 ), including the fact that He doesn't squash me out of existence right this instance for my insubordination. I don't deserve more children. I don't deserve the one I have, and neither does anyone else. God owes me nothing, but I owe Him everything including life itself. If God has given children, it is by His mercy and grace and they are a blessing to be thankful for.
Those seeking to comfort me truly desire to bring me good and not harm, and it is a sin for me to judge their words or intentions or to be ungrateful for them. I need only rejoice that God has seen fit to enable me to bear this burden and to give thanks for it(Acts 5:41 ), and to give me ones who care so much for me.
I don't have to understand why God does what He does in order to trust Him for who He is. God will still be good, whether I believe it or not, whether I am hurting, or whether I praise Him. God is, and what I do or don't do and what I believe or don't believe can't ever change that. (Lamentations 3:22-40 )
I have offended God, and sin always does separate us from Him leaving His wrath upon us (Romans 1:18 ). Yet, He punished Christ for my sake, and for all those who are the elect and predestined to be saved as the children of God(Romans 1:16-17 ). He cannot punish me for sins that Christ already died for, because as Jesus said, "It is finished."(John 19:30 ).
If we are Christ's we will suffer, just as He suffered(Romans 8:17) . My complaining is a sign of ingratitude for what God has so clearly done, and we are commanded to thank Him for everything(1 Thessalonians 5:18 ), not only the things we like. Because, again, since God is perfectly good and righteous, then so is all that He does. 
To those who have been blessed with many children, I thank God for you! And it is a testimony to God's blessing and glory(Psalm 127:3-5 ), but God doesn't favor some because they are any more deserving than anyone else. I, too, have a semi-large family. This was my fourth pregnancy, so I just have three babies in heaven(2 Samuel 12:23, Mark 10:14 ) and one here, but they are all my family, and I will be with those three throughout all eternity in the very presence of God Almighty!
Neglecting my family would be sinful and selfish(1 Timothy 5:8 ), and I can't justify that sin, just because I'm hurting or I didn't get what I wanted, when I wanted it. They have lost, too, and need me now probably more than ever. 
God is just. He cannot be otherwise, because being just is His very nature, that is who He is(Deuteronomy 32:4 ). Again, we none deserve our lives, let alone the lives of our children.
I think the reason I am feeling so tempted to be bitter towards my husband is because the enemy would prefer to divide us over our grief instead of us drawing closer to one another and to God(Ephesians 6:12). My husband has as little control over who dies and who lives as I do, and He lost a child, too.
My baby was alive and real as I or you, and that same baby was made lovingly by their Creator God(Jeremiah 1:5 ). I can't ignore their existence any more than I can ignore the existence of anyone else. And by sharing I hope to encourage others and glorify God through suffering for His sake(Phillipians 1:29 ).
Giving up on sex would only punish my husband and I and would be sinful(1 Corinthians 7:3-5 ), and whether or not we have more children biologically or our family is enlarged in another way is entirely up to God. I have to submit to His will, whatever it may be.
This cannot be blamed on anyone or anything but God. He alone has the power to give life and take it away. To blame anything or anyone else would be futile and would only make me crazy and bitter. God took my child, and I must submit to His authority and praise Him in spite of how I feel because He alone is worthy of praise.
Again, the enemy would have me give up on all the things that would draw me closer to God and comfort me. I will trust in the LORD.
Turning to food or frivolous shopping would make me feel better for a moment, but leave me emptier than before, and there would be no end to my seeking satisfaction where there is no possibility of being satisfied(Revelation 7:17 ). 
Your sympathy may come with the best of intentions, but it doesn't truly help. Only God can comfort us in a lasting and real way. My desire for comfort apart from God is seeking the impossible.
Trying to forget it by immersing myself in anything but God through prayer and reading His Word would be putting something else before God, and that is idolatry(Mark 12:30 ). 
Erasing this blog wouldn't help either, because we are to be lights to this world as Christ's followers. I only pray that through my transparency and attempt at complete honesty others will be comforted and God will be glorified. Love in truth. Psalm 136 .
Now, click here  to read the rest of the story :)

The Rest of the Story

For those of you who don't know me, I felt the need to tell you at least a little bit about me, and especially my mommy road. My husband and I have been married for seven years. We always wanted kids, but always someday far away in the future. I thought that I had to get ahead in my career first. God started pulling at our hearts to have kids, and it didn't help that both of my sisters-in-law had two super cute kids each. After hearing our Sunday school teacher make the statement that we shouldn't treat having kids as a disease to be prevented, I realized that was exactly what I was doing. Children are a blessing and a gift from God, and I had been trying to avoid it like the plague.
So, we started "trying", but after a year without anything happening, I mentioned it to my general practitioner. Because we were both in our twenties he suggested that we see a fertility specialist. They did tons of tests, and determined that I had P.C.O.S. (polycystic ovarian syndrome). So, I started taking metformin/glucophage and almost immediately got pregnant with our daughter.
After I had stopped breastfeeding Shelby (when she turned one), we decided to try again, but without going to the fertility doctor. That was November 2008 and by June 2009 we decided to go back to the doctor and try taking the metformin again.

In the fall 2009 I found out I was pregnant. We were ecstatic, and I felt like maybe I would finally be able to have the large family I had always dreamed of, but it wasn't meant to be that way. When I was about 9 weeks, I started bleeding pretty heavily, and we immediately went to an ER on that Saturday night where the bleeding stopped after an hour and half. They did all kinds of bloodwork, checked the cervix and the mucous plug, gave me a shot of rhogam (I'm rh negative), and did an ultrasound where they picked up a good fetal heartbeat. They even took the only picture we would ever have of our baby(above). We went home and were told to be on bedrest until we saw my doctor on the following Monday.
That Monday morning, we were in the ultrasound room, when the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat, and we were devastated.
After losing our baby, I didn't eat for almost a week. I became very depressed and honestly, wanted to die so I could be with my baby. I know that sounds weird and morbid, but I had been so excited about having another child, and I thought that when the bleeding stopped in the ER and there was a heartbeat that God was doing a miracle. I learned to trust in God's goodness and character even though I didn't understand or like what had happened. I knew God had taken my baby and that He was in control and He is perfect in His wisdom, power, and love.
In early February 2010, I had the starts of a urinary tract infection, and so I went to my general practitioner. They did a urine test to make sure that I wasn't pregnant before they would prescribe any antibiotics, and it came back positive. I was glad, sort of, but very confused. We hadn't tried very hard to get pregnant, and I thought I had had my period about a week before. I later found out that was implantation bleeding.
Once again, we were in that same ultrasound room, when the doctor said there was no baby in my uterus. At first they checked to see if it was a chemical pregnancy, but it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy instead. That meant that the baby had implanted in one of my fallopian tubes and if it continued to grow it couldn't survive, but would make the tube burst and cause severe internal bleeding and possibly my own death if I didn't get into surgery in time. The hardest decision of our lives was to allow the doctor to give me an injection of methyltrexalate to "dissolve the tissue" as my doctor described it.
So, here I am, terrified of being pregnant again, and yet wanting more children so badly.
And yet I know God is behind all of this, and He has a purpose in it that will glorify Him. That is where my joy comes from, in knowing that He is in control and that He will be glorified in it, and that He has given me two babies in heaven to look forward to. God is good, and so is all that He allows and wills to happen. I don't have to understand it, I just have to believe what is true.
We are still hoping that God in His mercy will expand our family, but in the meantime all we can do is to trust and rest in His will and know that it will be done. I invite you to pray with us that God would continue to give us the grace to go through whatever He has in store for us, and that He might find it in His will and great mercy to bless us with more babies.

Am I a Gossip Girl?

First of all, I have to thank my friend Michelle  for inspiring me to start my own blog and for loaning me a book that has really made me think. feel convicted about some things. The book is entitled "Passionate Housewives Desperate for God: Fresh Vision for the Hopeful Homemaker" by Jennie Chancey and Stacy McDonald. I know, it has a really catchy title, but so far it has been like a breath of fresh air. Finally a book written by women who have a great desire to follow Proverbs 31, Titus 2, and 1 Peter 3! And are practical in its application, while teaching with all meekness and love.
Well, this evening I was reading from it, only to realize that not only do I sometimes many times speak badly of my husband, both directly and indirectly, but that I do so in front of our daughter at times. I am so ashamed of myself, and am standing in need of God's forgiveness as well as my husband and daughter's. 
I know that sometimes I only say things in kind of a sarcastic way and it may seem as though I am only trying to be funny, but I'm afraid my intentions may flow from some kind of bitterness towards my husband. O God, where is this coming from? 
"Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life."-Proverbs 31:10-12
"She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness."-Proverbs 31:26
I am afraid that the only I often open my mouth with is my foot. It is amazing and even depressing at times how God sanctifies us and conforms us to the image of Christ (Romans 8:29). When God first regenerated me from death to new life in Him, I thought that meant that everything would change in an instant, in other words, I thought that meant that I would stop doing all the sinful things I couldn't stop doing before and my life would only be peace and joy and living without sin. Yes, I was extremely naive and without much discernment, but God has since grown me in His wisdom a little, and I can daily see sanctification going on. Which means that daily God is showing me more sinfulness and corruption in my flesh. But, praise God "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."(1John 1:9)!
This is why "The just shall live by faith" (Habakkuk 2:4, Romans 1:17)! I can do nothing but sin on my own. Everything in me wants to satisfy only myself, and wants no one to tell me what to do, including God. And yet, God in His infinite mercy, love, and grace, kept me from myself and has reconciled me to Him through His Son, Jesus Christ's penal substitutionary atonement on the cross!!!
"Therefore, we must have this blessedness not just once but must hold to it throughout life. Finally, he testifies that the embassy of free reconciliation with God is published not for one day or another but is attested as perpetual in the church [cf. II Cor. 5:18-19]. Accordingly, to the very end of life, believers have no other righteousness than that which is there described. For Christ ever remains the Mediator to reconcile the Father to us; and his death has everlasting efficacy: namely, cleansing, satisfaction, atonement, and finally perfect obedience, with which all our iniquities are covered. And Paul does not say to the Ephesians that we have the beginning of salvation from grace but that we have been saved through grace, "not by works, lest any man should boast" [Eph. 2:8-9]."-The Institutes of the Christian Religion, by John Calvin, book III, chapter xiv
I am a gossip girl. I talk about others, even with the appearance of only having Christians concern for them, but it's deeper than that and becomes gossip, as I tell it not with the intention of them being prayed for or the edifying of them, but to make conversation or because I am arrogant and prideful. God, please take this evil from me! Purge me of this sin!


Love in truth.
Sarah :)