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1.18.2011

Third Trimester and I am So Lazy!

I know, I know, I'm pregnant, so I should have an excuse, right? But do I really have any excuse ever to be so selfish?  After all, I feel pretty good. I get worn out a little faster, and I get short of breath (but I have asthma, so that happens whether I'm pregnant or not), but I have had minimal swelling, a little back pain, slight heartburn at night, and I'm not working full time this time. I just realized that this has actually been a much easier pregnancy than before. So, why am I finding it even harder to focus? Why can't I keep motivated to do anything, including the things that need to be done? Am I just rationalizing and using this pregnancy as an excuse to not do things I don't like doing anyway? 
For example, our homeschooling has totally become lax and without real structure. But, that's been something easy to put off. It wouldn't be physically taxing or extremely stressful, and yet I'm having trouble writing lesson plans and implementing ones I've already planned. (This is shameful, but I haven't even put up our January counting calendar yet, and it's almost February!)
Actually an emptier sink, than at present in my kitchen.
I've never liked doing dishes, especially those that have to be washed by hand, and now our sink seems continually full. I know, it's crazy, because I have a dishwahser. 
Laundry stays piled and unfolded much longer than I care to admit.
I don't go to the grocery store until we are practically out of or even completely out of basics like bread and milk. I mostly dread having to carry the bags up the stairs by myself, as there is no way to get into my house without climbing a bunch of stairs somewhere.
These are my real slippers and nightgown.
I won't tell you what time of day this was taken ;)
Both my daughter and I spend way too much time in pajamas. (I hate to confess it, but many times we go get dressed quickly only when I look at the clock and realize my husband will be home any minute!)
Things that used to get cleaned on a regular basis aren't cleaned quite so regularly any more. Let's just say unless we're having company over, many things go longer than I would like. 
I can look at all of these things and know and even want for them to be done, and yet I don't want it enough most of the time to just do it! 
This reminds me of the sinful nature in us all. We are in bondage to our lusts, our flesh, our own selfishness. We might even regret what we do and wish things were different, but we can't stop. and the Bible makes it clear why we can't stop. We are spiritually dead, unable to do anything, just as a corpse can't get out of a coffin, but is bound to be buried in it. 
Just as when Lazarus had been dead in the tomb for four days, and only Christ could raise him to life again, we cannot be raised to new life or to freedom from death apart from Christ. We are dead and can't do anything to get out of it. We are simply buried in sin and self awaiting the blessed words from Christ saying, "come forth."(John 11:38-44)
And still we have the markings of one raised from the dead. We still have the markings of one who was dead. When Lazarus came out of the tomb he was "bound hand and foot with graveclothes: and his face was bound about with a napkin"(John 11:44). It's easy to stay there to look down at the death clothes and despair of life as we look like one dead, to look only back at our sins and the past in sorrow. 


The tomb of Lazarus at Bethany
Yet Jesus didn't leave Lazarus there. His very next words were, "Loose him, and let him go." (John 11:44). 
God doesn't leave us there in the death clothes or in the coffin. He calls us out and in spite of the fact that we look and smell like the grave, He bids us to not live as though we are still dead. 
I've been reading through Ephesians daily this month in an effort to become more familiar with this book, and have been struck by the passage in Ch.2:1-9 "And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience--among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body  and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But  God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us,  even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved--and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."
These things were of my past, and yet I can still taste them, still partake of them. The most wonderful truth is to know that I had nothing to do with my own salvation in and of my own power, because I was dead. I couldn't have made the right choice if I wanted to, again, I was dead in sin. And yet God out of love raised us from the dead to show His grace and kindness to me through Christ Jesus. It was a gift, and I could no more control His giving me this gift than I could control anyone giving me a gift. I can't boast in what I have done or am doing or despair of what I have done or am doing. All of my hope, all chance of salvation, and all power to be raised from the dead unto eternal life, rests entirely upon God's love and mercy and the sacrifice and atoning death of Jesus Christ when He took my place by bearing the wrath of God meant for me at the cross of Calvary. 
So, even as I despair or become convicted over my still present flesh-pleasing tendencies, my longing to justify selfishness with anything I can( *sigh* even the excuse of being pregnant), the hope lies in knowing that we are no longer dead, and we have been justified and our sins pardoned through Christ reconciling us to God. 
I cannot change what I have done or not done, but I can go on from this moment, by God's grace, to live as one alive and unbound leaving all of the clothes and signs of death behind.

6 comments:

Michelle said...

I have the opposite problem...I have to make myself "let it all go." The house that is...we don't plan to do formal homeschooling for a while so that's easy! :)

But my will to get it all done comes from the same place as your lack of motivation...it's our nature. It would actually be more glorifying...in my opinion, if I wasn't so focused on what I had to do and would enjoy the gifts of the moments God has given me.

Geesha~from kindred primitives said...

Sarah...Bless your heart I know how you feel! I too find myself not doing the things that need to be done...or at least not right away. The first few months I dragged so bad, I just couldn't keep up! Now I have some energy and have begin to nest I think. I finally found out that I am having a girl...so I get to enjoy decorating! But I can tell I am starting to get the tired feeling back. BOO! Don't worry if the dishes pile up or the clothes take a little longer to get done...your prego gal! Relax a liitle and enjoy the moments!

Sarah : ) said...

I just seem to get draggy days :)

Michelle, only you could make me feel better about shirking my duties. Thanks for the encouragement :)

Geesha, congratulations on having a girl! They are definitely a lot of fun, and you are never too old to play dolls ;) I had lots of energy until the last few days, and at our house that's all the time it takes for things to pile up. Hope that means that soon I'll be nesting and he'll be here!

Linda said...

Sarah, you left a comment that blessed my heart at my blog last night, and I followed the link to your blog. You have blessed me further! The Lord has used your words in another post to guide and help me today. I will share that with you later, but for now I want to provide you encouragement by sharing with you an email I wrote to my daughter a few days ago. She is the mother of an adorable almost-three-year old, Daniel, and often despairs of not getting things done as she "ought." Here is what I said to her: "Don't be hard on yourself, Sweetheart, when you feel nonproductive. You are doing the most important work of all in taking good care of Daniel. Nobody ever has a whisper of a doubt that you don't do as much as you "ought to" in that category. Feel the Lord's approval. You are doing a good job. I don't think anyone dwells upon the fact that my house was a wreck while I was raising my kids, or thinks critical thoughts toward me for it now. Prayer and energy invested in raising up a child in the way he should go reaps rich reward. Look at my children if you don't believe it! I am SO blessed by my children. You will be too." Bless your heart Sarah, I'm confident these words are true for you as well. God bless you in your parenting.

Sarah : ) www.crumbsundermytable.blogspot.com said...

Thank you so much, Linda! My mom keeps saying, "Don't you remember what our house was like?", because there were four of us, and my dad had a job where he traveled and was gone at least five days a week. Honestly though, I always thought our house was perfect, lol. I'm starting to learn that it's more important for my daughter to learn to work with me, and that gives us time together, and sorta gets the work done. I guess I just feel lazy and then guilty, but I'm just glad that God isn't giving me a grade for it, and honestly, I have the most understanding husband. He's not much for doing housework, but he tries and he never complains about how the house looks.
It's definitely encouraging to see someone who's come through it remember the chaos and let those of us in the midst benefit from their wisdom. Again, thank you Linda!

Sarah : ) www.crumbsundermytable.blogspot.com said...
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