For those of you who don't know me, I felt the need to tell you at least a little bit about me, and especially my mommy road. My husband and I have been married for seven years. We always wanted kids, but always someday far away in the future. I thought that I had to get ahead in my career first. God started pulling at our hearts to have kids, and it didn't help that both of my sisters-in-law had two super cute kids each. After hearing our Sunday school teacher make the statement that we shouldn't treat having kids as a disease to be prevented, I realized that was exactly what I was doing. Children are a blessing and a gift from God, and I had been trying to avoid it like the plague.
So, we started "trying", but after a year without anything happening, I mentioned it to my general practitioner. Because we were both in our twenties he suggested that we see a fertility specialist. They did tons of tests, and determined that I had P.C.O.S. (polycystic ovarian syndrome). So, I started taking metformin/glucophage and almost immediately got pregnant with our daughter.
After I had stopped breastfeeding Shelby (when she turned one), we decided to try again, but without going to the fertility doctor. That was November 2008 and by June 2009 we decided to go back to the doctor and try taking the metformin again.
That Monday morning, we were in the ultrasound room, when the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat, and we were devastated.
After losing our baby, I didn't eat for almost a week. I became very depressed and honestly, wanted to die so I could be with my baby. I know that sounds weird and morbid, but I had been so excited about having another child, and I thought that when the bleeding stopped in the ER and there was a heartbeat that God was doing a miracle. I learned to trust in God's goodness and character even though I didn't understand or like what had happened. I knew God had taken my baby and that He was in control and He is perfect in His wisdom, power, and love.
In early February 2010, I had the starts of a urinary tract infection, and so I went to my general practitioner. They did a urine test to make sure that I wasn't pregnant before they would prescribe any antibiotics, and it came back positive. I was glad, sort of, but very confused. We hadn't tried very hard to get pregnant, and I thought I had had my period about a week before. I later found out that was implantation bleeding.
Once again, we were in that same ultrasound room, when the doctor said there was no baby in my uterus. At first they checked to see if it was a chemical pregnancy, but it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy instead. That meant that the baby had implanted in one of my fallopian tubes and if it continued to grow it couldn't survive, but would make the tube burst and cause severe internal bleeding and possibly my own death if I didn't get into surgery in time. The hardest decision of our lives was to allow the doctor to give me an injection of methyltrexalate to "dissolve the tissue" as my doctor described it.
So, here I am, terrified of being pregnant again, and yet wanting more children so badly.
And yet I know God is behind all of this, and He has a purpose in it that will glorify Him. That is where my joy comes from, in knowing that He is in control and that He will be glorified in it, and that He has given me two babies in heaven to look forward to. God is good, and so is all that He allows and wills to happen. I don't have to understand it, I just have to believe what is true.
We are still hoping that God in His mercy will expand our family, but in the meantime all we can do is to trust and rest in His will and know that it will be done. I invite you to pray with us that God would continue to give us the grace to go through whatever He has in store for us, and that He might find it in His will and great mercy to bless us with more babies.