You most likely didn't know that I was pregnant, and just found out today that we have had yet another miscarriage. This makes the third baby we have lost since November 2009 . I know it may seem odd that I would write a blog post on a day like today, but I wanted to share while my emotions are still fresh and God's grace so near and precious to me.
If you have read my previous post, you will know that our parenthood journey hasn't been the easiest or a pleasant one at all times. We still desire a large family, but don't know what it will look like or when it will happen, and we are definitely open to adoption, just not financially able at present.
I had been told last Friday that there was "reason for concern" with this pregnancy and not just my history, so I had went home and cried and prayed and asked everyone I could to pray for me, even if I didn't tell them why I wanted them to pray. I had been reading God's Word, and looking for any hope I could find there. And yet once again I was reminded that the only hope is in knowing who God is. I mean by that, knowing that God is good, perfect, and infinite in wisdom and power, love and mercy. This is what I have been holding on to in both our previous losses as well as today.
There is no hope outside of Christ Jesus.
My pride and arrogance tempts me and would lead me to believe that I deserve more children, because I see others have no problem having children and many of them being ungrateful for them and desiring to not have them as a burden. I see others that have never lost like this and am tempted to be bitter towards them when they offer any words meant for comfort. I am tempted to doubt God's very goodness, mercy, forgiveness, grace, and love that He has extended towards me in reconciling me to Him through the substitutionary death of Jesus Christ. I am tempted to believe that I have offended God in all my sinfulness, and this is some kind of punishment for being unfit. I am tempted to complain to others or about others as I see I am suffering and they seemingly are not. I am tempted to be bitter towards those who are very able to have a large family and proclaim it is a testimony to God's blessing and is a family's way of glorifying God. I am tempted to retreat into a corner and avoid all human contact even at the neglect of my family and myself. I am tempted to be angry with God at the seeming injustice of my children dying while other's live. I am tempted to be bitter and angry with my husband, and I'm really not sure why. I am tempted to never talk about this and pretend it never happened and this baby never really existed. I am tempted to give up on sex entirely, and say I must not be meant to have any more children. I am tempted to blame the doctor, that Mt. Dew I drank before I knew I was pregnant or the prenatal vitamin I forgot to take after I knew I was pregnant, lifting my daughter, doing housework, running, or any number of things that I normally would do, but now are suspect causes of pain. I am tempted to give up on prayer and crying out to God in my needs. I am tempted to eat my own body weight in chocolate. I am tempted to buy an i-phone on a credit card. I am tempted to ignore everyone and everything in an attempt to gain sympathy for myself. I am tempted to watch tv or clean to avoid thinking about it. I am tempted to erase this very blog right now.
But God,....probably some of the most powerful and hope filled words that can ever be spoken. I know that I am evil (Psalms 14:3 ) and deserve nothing but God's eternal wrath, and yet Christ's sacrifice has atoned or paid for my sins, taking all my punishment and leaving me only with His righteousness in it's place (2 Corinthians 5:21 ). Because I know this, I know that anything good has by God's divine and sovereign grace been given to me (James 1:17 ), including the fact that He doesn't squash me out of existence right this instance for my insubordination. I don't deserve more children. I don't deserve the one I have, and neither does anyone else. God owes me nothing, but I owe Him everything including life itself. If God has given children, it is by His mercy and grace and they are a blessing to be thankful for.
Those seeking to comfort me truly desire to bring me good and not harm, and it is a sin for me to judge their words or intentions or to be ungrateful for them. I need only rejoice that God has seen fit to enable me to bear this burden and to give thanks for it(Acts 5:41 ), and to give me ones who care so much for me.
I don't have to understand why God does what He does in order to trust Him for who He is. God will still be good, whether I believe it or not, whether I am hurting, or whether I praise Him. God is, and what I do or don't do and what I believe or don't believe can't ever change that. (Lamentations 3:22-40 )
I have offended God, and sin always does separate us from Him leaving His wrath upon us (Romans 1:18 ). Yet, He punished Christ for my sake, and for all those who are the elect and predestined to be saved as the children of God(Romans 1:16-17 ). He cannot punish me for sins that Christ already died for, because as Jesus said, "It is finished."(John 19:30 ).
If we are Christ's we will suffer, just as He suffered(Romans 8:17) . My complaining is a sign of ingratitude for what God has so clearly done, and we are commanded to thank Him for everything(1 Thessalonians 5:18 ), not only the things we like. Because, again, since God is perfectly good and righteous, then so is all that He does.
To those who have been blessed with many children, I thank God for you! And it is a testimony to God's blessing and glory(Psalm 127:3-5 ), but God doesn't favor some because they are any more deserving than anyone else. I, too, have a semi-large family. This was my fourth pregnancy, so I just have three babies in heaven(2 Samuel 12:23, Mark 10:14 ) and one here, but they are all my family, and I will be with those three throughout all eternity in the very presence of God Almighty!
Neglecting my family would be sinful and selfish(1 Timothy 5:8 ), and I can't justify that sin, just because I'm hurting or I didn't get what I wanted, when I wanted it. They have lost, too, and need me now probably more than ever.
God is just. He cannot be otherwise, because being just is His very nature, that is who He is(Deuteronomy 32:4 ). Again, we none deserve our lives, let alone the lives of our children.
I think the reason I am feeling so tempted to be bitter towards my husband is because the enemy would prefer to divide us over our grief instead of us drawing closer to one another and to God(Ephesians 6:12). My husband has as little control over who dies and who lives as I do, and He lost a child, too.
My baby was alive and real as I or you, and that same baby was made lovingly by their Creator God(Jeremiah 1:5 ). I can't ignore their existence any more than I can ignore the existence of anyone else. And by sharing I hope to encourage others and glorify God through suffering for His sake(Phillipians 1:29 ).
Giving up on sex would only punish my husband and I and would be sinful(1 Corinthians 7:3-5 ), and whether or not we have more children biologically or our family is enlarged in another way is entirely up to God. I have to submit to His will, whatever it may be.
This cannot be blamed on anyone or anything but God. He alone has the power to give life and take it away. To blame anything or anyone else would be futile and would only make me crazy and bitter. God took my child, and I must submit to His authority and praise Him in spite of how I feel because He alone is worthy of praise.
Again, the enemy would have me give up on all the things that would draw me closer to God and comfort me. I will trust in the LORD.
Turning to food or frivolous shopping would make me feel better for a moment, but leave me emptier than before, and there would be no end to my seeking satisfaction where there is no possibility of being satisfied(Revelation 7:17 ).
Your sympathy may come with the best of intentions, but it doesn't truly help. Only God can comfort us in a lasting and real way. My desire for comfort apart from God is seeking the impossible.
Trying to forget it by immersing myself in anything but God through prayer and reading His Word would be putting something else before God, and that is idolatry(Mark 12:30 ).
Erasing this blog wouldn't help either, because we are to be lights to this world as Christ's followers. I only pray that through my transparency and attempt at complete honesty others will be comforted and God will be glorified. Love in truth. Psalm 136 .
Now, click here to read the rest of the story :)