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Words Cannot Express

I have been thinking lately about the fact that just one year ago I had lost yet another baby. It was the second loss for us. After struggling with infertility and getting pregnant, it seemed as if the struggle now would not only be to get pregnant, but then for that pregnancy to endure.
I am grateful for my daughter and son who are here with us, but those two children whom I never got to do so many things with, are still painfully missed . It's still hard to see kids who are about the age they would have been, or to watch larger families at times because I know that I am actually a mother of four.
God has been so merciful to us and His grace has been the one thing that has given us hope and strength through it all, and yet my heart, the heart of their mother still longs for them, to kiss them, to hold them, to see them, to talk to them, to sing to them, to rock them, to have the opportunity to see them grow up, and just to tell them how much they are loved. And as sweet as it is to hold my new son, I can't help but wish I could hold them, too.
The only picture we have of our first son who died in
November of 2009, and was followed in death by
a brother in March of 2010.
I know they are with my Savior, and I know I will see them again, but this grief and sorrow, as fleshly as it is, still grips my frail human heart. They will never be forgotten, and I long so for the day when they will greet me as their mother. The mother God gave to them.
"For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin."-Hebrews 4:15 
For the last couple of weeks as a family we've really been focusing on first the Old Testament account of the first Passover and the deliverance of Israel out of Egypt and the Triumphant Entry of Christ on Palm Sunday through His last Passover and crucifixion and the resurrection of Easter Sunday. Through this I've been thinking, not just about our salvation, but about the great cost of it. So many that Jesus loved were hurt when they watched Him die the most horrific of deaths. His disciples, followers, and earthly mother grieved His death, as they believed He was the Messiah long awaited to deliver them. Our Lord went through the utter despair and unimaginable pain of being separated from God the Father by sin. He felt all the guilt and sorrow over sin, and was covered in the filth of all sin from the socially acceptable sins to the most heinous and hideous of atrocities that human behavior can produce. God had to pour out His eternal wrath and indignation against the sins of mankind on His only Son, on Himself, as Jesus willingly bore all of it though He was truly innocent of it all.
"Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross."-Philippians 2:5-8 
Oh, how precious a salvation! A salvation of such a price that none could ever begin to pay with our filthy hands and heart, stained with the refuse of our nature of sin! How great a Savior that, though He was innocent and God Himself, would willingly bear the just punishment and even planned it from eternity past knowing we would do nothing but sin apart from His grace, but knowing it was the only way we would be reconciled to Himself, and that it would be the best way to show His love and grace to His creation and to bring the glory and honor that is due Him!
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted."-Hebrews 12:1-3 
As I look at my own pain from life, my own loss, my own sorrow, and I see my Savior who not only redeemed myself from pain, but has redeemed those blessed children already! And I see Him who truly understands, more than anyone else ever could, more than I do, the pain and sorrow I must endure, and in compassion and empathy He holds me, He collects my tears, and He, who understands, loves me. He gives me the strength of His Father, the peace and joy that would be impossible in our circumstances. He forgives me of my ingratitude in all of this, my arrogance, my self-pitying, my pride and all my sinful attempts at worship and praise, and He takes it and purifies it in His own blood, bathing it in His own righteousness.
"And the blood shall be to you for a token upon the houses where ye are: and when I see the blood, I will pass over you, and the plague shall not be upon you to destroy you, when I smite the land of Egypt"-Exodus 12:13 
As we approach the celebration of our Lord's triumphant resurrection from the dead, I feel pain and sorrow for His death, in the knowledge that it was my sins that led Him to death, and that my sins alone are enough to justify such punishment. And yet, just as God delivered Lot from certain destruction while he dwelled in sin, He delivered me, because I am His own, bought with a price I could never pay! How great a salvation! And how terrible a doom is justified only through Jesus Christ's atoning death and His cleansing blood! May we do more than hunt eggs, dress up, and eat this Sunday, may we spend this day remembering the cross, the gospel, the wrath of God, the redemption, the grace, the love, the mercy, the justice, the inconceivable salvation, and the resurrection of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, fully man yet fully God, without this resurrection none of which would be possible. If there were no resurrection, there is no salvation.
Praising God for the Resurrection!!!
"Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."-Philippians 2: 9-11. 


Sunday said...

Sorry I haven't been around lately, I've been sick with some kind of flu-ish thing. :(

This post made me cry. I understand the pain of losing a child, my son was four months old when he died, and even almost two years later I still miss him terribly. I can't imagine losing two, and I'm praying for you and your children right now, that you would have peace and joy and that God will bless you with enough good times to overcome the bad times.

You're in my prayers, precious lady! :)

Sarah : ) said...

Thank you so much for the prayers! They are truly needed as my daughter developed a fever tonight. I'm just hoping and praying it goes away quickly and we can keep from giving it to the baby.
I so sorry to hear of your loss, but so glad that you have the Lord to look to for hope.
This post came about in a weird way. A friend of mine of fb had posted something about losing a baby, and I reposted it, but I couldn't comment on it. The pain and memories came flooding back, and I think this post was God reassuring me through the pain.
Glad you're feeling better, and glad to have you back again ;)
Love in Christ, dear sister :)

Trisha said...

Hi Sarah,
I'm visiting from Michelle's. This is such a bittersweet and beautiful post. While I am the mother of many, I've also had three miscarriages, and I so appreciated your words here. I read your passion for the LORD in this post, and it's wonderful! Nice to meet another like-minded sister in Christ.

And I LOVE your blog name....I always have crumbs under our tables.

Sarah : ) said...

So glad you came to visit! I always enjoy meeting my sisters in Christ, too, and I hope you can visit again.
I know that God took my children for a reason, and I know that He is glorified in what happened or it would never have happened. There is no greater peace than knowing God was completely sovereign in the whole situation.
And there are always crumbs within a five to six foot radius of wherever my daughter is eating. I often wonder how so few people can make so many crumbs, and how I can sweep all the time, but you can't ever tell it. And yet I'm so glad God graciously gave me such a family of crumb-makers ;)