Words Cannot Express

I have been thinking lately about the fact that just one year ago I had lost yet another baby. It was the second loss for us. After struggling with infertility and getting pregnant, it seemed as if the struggle now would not only be to get pregnant, but then for that pregnancy to endure.
I am grateful for my daughter and son who are here with us, but those two children whom I never got to do so many things with, are still painfully missed . It's still hard to see kids who are about the age they would have been, or to watch larger families at times because I know that I am actually a mother of four.
God has been so merciful to us and His grace has been the one thing that has given us hope and strength through it all, and yet my heart, the heart of their mother still longs for them, to kiss them, to hold them, to see them, to talk to them, to sing to them, to rock them, to have the opportunity to see them grow up, and just to tell them how much they are loved. And as sweet as it is to hold my new son, I can't help but wish I could hold them, too.

The only picture we have of our first son who died in
November of 2009, and was followed in death by
a brother in March of 2010.

I know they are with my Savior, and I know I will see them again, but this grief and sorrow, as fleshly as it is, still grips my frail human heart. They will never be forgotten, and I long so for the day when they will greet me as their mother. The mother God gave to them.
"For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin."-Hebrews 4:15 
For the last couple of weeks as a family we've really been focusing on first the Old Testament account of the first Passover and the deliverance of Israel out of Egypt and the Triumphant Entry of Christ on Palm Sunday through His last Passover and crucifixion and the resurrection of Easter Sunday. Through this I've been thinking, not just about our salvation, but about the great cost of it. So many that Jesus loved were hurt when they watched Him die the most horrific of deaths. His disciples, followers, and earthly mother grieved His death, as they believed He was the Messiah long awaited to deliver them. Our Lord went through the utter despair and unimaginable pain of being separated from God the Father by sin. He felt all the guilt and sorrow over sin, and was covered in the filth of all sin from the socially acceptable sins to the most heinous and hideous of atrocities that human behavior can produce. God had to pour out His eternal wrath and indignation against the sins of mankind on His only Son, on Himself, as Jesus willingly bore all of it though He was truly innocent of it all.
"Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross."-Philippians 2:5-8 
Oh, how precious a salvation! A salvation of such a price that none could ever begin to pay with our filthy hands and heart, stained with the refuse of our nature of sin! How great a Savior that, though He was innocent and God Himself, would willingly bear the just punishment and even planned it from eternity past knowing we would do nothing but sin apart from His grace, but knowing it was the only way we would be reconciled to Himself, and that it would be the best way to show His love and grace to His creation and to bring the glory and honor that is due Him!
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted."-Hebrews 12:1-3 
As I look at my own pain from life, my own loss, my own sorrow, and I see my Savior who not only redeemed myself from pain, but has redeemed those blessed children already! And I see Him who truly understands, more than anyone else ever could, more than I do, the pain and sorrow I must endure, and in compassion and empathy He holds me, He collects my tears, and He, who understands, loves me. He gives me the strength of His Father, the peace and joy that would be impossible in our circumstances. He forgives me of my ingratitude in all of this, my arrogance, my self-pitying, my pride and all my sinful attempts at worship and praise, and He takes it and purifies it in His own blood, bathing it in His own righteousness.
"And the blood shall be to you for a token upon the houses where ye are: and when I see the blood, I will pass over you, and the plague shall not be upon you to destroy you, when I smite the land of Egypt"-Exodus 12:13 
As we approach the celebration of our Lord's triumphant resurrection from the dead, I feel pain and sorrow for His death, in the knowledge that it was my sins that led Him to death, and that my sins alone are enough to justify such punishment. And yet, just as God delivered Lot from certain destruction while he dwelled in sin, He delivered me, because I am His own, bought with a price I could never pay! How great a salvation! And how terrible a doom is justified only through Jesus Christ's atoning death and His cleansing blood! May we do more than hunt eggs, dress up, and eat this Sunday, may we spend this day remembering the cross, the gospel, the wrath of God, the redemption, the grace, the love, the mercy, the justice, the inconceivable salvation, and the resurrection of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, fully man yet fully God, without this resurrection none of which would be possible. If there were no resurrection, there is no salvation.
Praising God for the Resurrection!!!
"Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."-Philippians 2: 9-11. 

Day 3 & 4: Mothers and Sons

This dress-top actually has lots of feminine
details made impossible to see due to blurry
photography (my fault) and baby crying.

First of all, (dear husband), I did not cheat. My husband accused me of cheating by wearing this on day 3, but as I told him, I never said I would only wear dresses/skirts. I said I would be dressing more femininely and that I did believe pants could be feminine. He likes to tease me. But, technically this is a dress. I bought it on sale at Old Navy a couple years back for like $3. It was supposed to be a mini shirt dress, but I always wore pants under it. Yes, even mini skirts can sometimes be adapted to modest clothing. I've often found they make great tunic tops, because they do cover your behind (just make sure they aren't tight).
Another unexpected result of this has been my daughter has asked me to make her several play dresses as she has outgrown much of her summer wardrobe from last year. Mommy is going to try her best and oblige, just maybe not all at once.
I've been thinking about my son, and how I hope he sees his mommy. Modest dressing is not only a female issue, but as female immodesty can incite lust in men and lead them to sin, I think how they view modesty is a big deal. My husband has been very open with me about how men view women, and it's not just the young attractive ones, it's any of them dressed immodestly. Unfortunately, he's said many times women and girls at church are dressed immodestly and even in that setting it's difficult for men to not look.

Day 4: Why yes, that is Rainbow
Bright on my shirt ;)

"My son, keep your father's commandment, and forsake not your mother's teaching. Bind them on your heart always; tie them around your neck. When you walk, they [fn] will lead you; when you lie down, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk with you. For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life, to preserve you from the evil woman, from the smooth tongue of the adulteress."-Proverbs 6:20-24
It's easy to see how feminine dressing could affect our daughters, but what about sons? 
Scripture says a mother's teaching can keep him from the adulterous woman one day. What does our dress teach our sons? If they see their mother's celebrating femininity in a godly and modest way, won't they desire to look for that in a wife? If they see her longing to make even the way she dresses a way to bring glory to God and to honor her husband, won't they long for such a wife? 

Day 4 take 2.  Quick change before company
came. I didn't want anyone to smell spit up.

I don't have all the answers, but I can't help but think that dressing in any way to honor God must leave our daughters and sons with the reality of God and of the importance of submitting to His Word, all of it. 
It comes down to two words: orthodoxy and orthopraxy. 
Most of us know what orthodoxy is. It's what we say we believe of the Scriptures. But orthopraxy is how we live that out. To be a hypocrite, for example, is for your orthodoxy to not line up with your orthopraxy. 
For me, reconsidering how I dress is one more way to show my family and the world that I really believe what I say I believe, but most of all to honor God by a willingness to submit in this part of my life. 
So, what does your dress say to others?

Day 2: Nothing to Wear, but Christ :)

"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external--the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear-- but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening."-1 Peter 3:1-6


This Scripture has stood out to me throughout this. After all, aren't I just putting too much focus on what I'm wearing? Yes, and no. My adorning is to be the hidden person of the heart, not the external things I wear, but can't you see part of the hidden person of the heart in what someone is wearing? 
For example, when I was in college I used to hide a couple mini-skirts I had bought from my parents, I knew they wouldn't stop me from wearing them as I was an adult, but I also knew they would be sorely disappointed in my desire to wear them. (Yes, in retrospect, they probably knew all about them. They were way smarter than I gave them credit for.) The hidden person of my heart knew what effect wearing such clothing would have on men around me, and deep down I wanted that. I was sinful in wearing them. My heart was wanting to incite lust, and I may offend, but the majority of females over the age of like 10 in our culture know what it means to be sexy and why someone would wear a mini-skirt. I was in my 20s and knew exactly why I was wearing them and the attention I was garnering. 
I soon became convicted of my apparel through Scripture and the teaching of Nancy Leigh Dumass and her women's ministry, Revive Our Hearts . God, the Holy Spirit wouldn't allow me to have any peace and continue in this way. 

Day 2: I had my 6 wks postpartum checkup, so a little more
intimidating for me, as others might be saying, "Why
on earth is she wearing a skirt (and a long one at that)?"
Oh, and btw, this is what happens to old jeans at my house.
They turn into skirts and such ;)

I said all this to lead up to this point. I have a little girl. I have a little girl who is decidedly feminine and desires to wear feminine clothing and to be all things feminine. She is proud and happy to be a girl, and I don't want that to ever change. I want her to be satisfied and to give glory to God for creating her just the way she is. 
I also see something scary on the potential horizon. The world we live in only gives a couple of options. Either we are supposed to suppress our femininity and attempt to become androginous, or we are supposed to be ultra sexy to prove that we are a woman physically by being seductive towards men and boys, or we are supposed to be a stereotype woman that is always made up with too much glitter and jewels never being enough and shopping for more clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc. is what is expected of us. 
Unfortunately, none of these even come close to the biblical standard for feminine behavior or dress that glorifies God.
But I know that those examples are the prevalent ones my daughter will see and be exposed to, even though we are homeschooling and have no cable. I can already see her desire for beautiful clothes in abundance and shopping and jewelry and make-up. And they are completely natural desires, but I want her to see the vanity of making those things her primary pursuit. 
It's that realization that has truly made me reconsider how feminine I am, I mean how close I am to godly femininity, the kind that honors and glorifies Him alone and proclaims Him to the world. 
I have to deal with my own pride and arrogance in this area first, if I want my daughter to see a better example. Not that I'm perfect, and I never will be, but I have to strive to be better, for the sake of my God's glory first, and my daughter's example second. 
If we truly want our daughter's to not fall into the traps the world has set up for women, than we have to be the example for them, by God's grace. It is just as sinful to reject the fact that God has made us female in not submitting to the authority of our husbands as it is to try and be androgenous, or to intentionally dress in a way to incite lust, or to dress in fancy clothes and make-up in order to draw attention to us, or to covet things to the point of continuous shopping for more things. No woman can honestly say that we haven't sinned somehow in this area, especially me, but to quote our blessed Lord Jesus:
"And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more."-John 8:7-11.
Let us turn our backs to the sins we have committed and seeing the forgiveness of God in Christ for our sins, "go" and "sin no more".
How do you show godly womanhood to your daughters?

Day 1: Going Nowhere in a Dress

Okay, I know, I know I said I would be doing weekly updates, but I just couldn't wait to post my first day in a dress! (And no, I don't mean I've never worn a dress before!)
And I'm so excited, because this is the real challenge for me, I'm not leaving my home today! That may seem weird to you, but that's always been the hardest thing for me. Trying to justify the wearing of a dress when I am only going to be seen by my family, and possibly some neighbors when I hang up laundry or go to the mailbox.

Sorry for the bad quality, but I'm not good at taking my
own picture. It's actually mid-calf length with a tie in the back,
and I'm wearing a green and ivory striped polo-type
 shirt with puffed sleeves.  The dress is made from some
natural tone muslin that I had leftover from curtains I made as
a teenager. (Yup, I save everything forever, or
 at least until a project comes up!)

This is a dress that I made when I was nursing Shelby, because it's easily converted to nursing. So, I've actually had this a while. Yes, I know it's a little wrinkly, but, honestly, if I have to iron everything I wear around the house, then this isn't going to work, ever. (I detest ironing, and tell myself that a few wrinkles just makes people think you've been working, hee, hee.)
Here's the unexpected part: my daughter loves it, and keeps telling me I'm pretty :) So, already I can see how what I wear affects her perception of me.
My husband's working late tonight, so I won't know what he thinks for a while. But, can you keep a secret? He doesn't follow my blog very often, so....he doesn't know about my challenge to be more feminine in the way I dress. And I prefer it that way, hee, hee. I'm waiting to see his honest reaction when he notices something different! (Let's hope he notices, lol!)
Anyway, I can tell that it makes me want to keep cleaner while doing housework, so....looks like I'll have a good excuse to try some more apron sewing, and I have just the vintagy patterns to do it.
(That last bit makes me very happy. Not because I can't find enough sewing projects, but because I've been wanting to sew more aprons for a long time, but was relegated to needed sewing, still fun, but more practical stuff, often with a deadline. Not as much fun.) Here's hoping I can get my housework and cleaning done, so I can start sewing!!! (Stay tuned and I'll post apron progress and pics!)
So, here's my first day. How do you think I did? How did you do? And please be easy on me, I'm new at this ;)

Dressing Up Challenge

Okay, first may I start by saying I don't think there's anything sinful or immodest in the wearing of pants, and they can be very feminine. I think that low cut dresses or tops or short skirts or even just tight and body clinging clothing are a lot more immodest than a pair of pleat front capris or pants (one of my favorite pairs of capris are a charcoal pair with pleats in the front, and they just beg to be worn with a floral or well tailored feminine blouse).
"The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so [are] abomination unto the LORD thy God." - Dueteronomy 22:5
The biblical mandate is for femininity, not for a particular piece of clothing, but for whatever clothing is feminine and associated with women. (Men at the time this was written actually wore long flowing robes and tunics that were dresslike.)

But....for some time now (a couple of years actually), I have been thinking about my femininity, or perhaps lack thereof. Maybe it's because my daughter is so ultra-feminine in her clothing choices, or perhaps because I had some elegant examples of femininity in my mother and grandmothers and many church ladies and teachers. It could have something to do with the fact that I grew up as the only girl with three brothers, and wanted to be just like my big brothers, meaning all the rough and muddy play in patched jeans imaginable. Maybe it was brought on by my mom giving me some vintage dress patterns she had or my obsession with vintage patterns on Ebay . Or it could be that I hate the fact that people (at least according to the movies) used to dress much nicer or formally. Even while doing housework, my grandma looked much more put together, because she was wearing a dress. I remember often as a little girl just watching in awe as my mom or grandmas were getting ready and going into their closets to look at the pretty skirts, dresses, and blouses, not to mention going over their dressers with pretty boxes, jewelry, and such sweet smells. Even after the death of my dad's mom in 2009, I remember going into her closet without any clothes in it, and being able to smell them, the smell of delicate sachets that were always present, and feeling comforted in savoring the pleasing scent.

My maternal grandmother

Femininity was something I wanted, and yet ran from, perhaps because of our gender neutral culture, where you are supposed to pretend that gender doesn't matter while you dress like a "lady of the evening" (thanks to Mrs. Grigsby, my high school spanish teacher who was a great example of a true lady, and who gave that description about immodestly dressed girls).
I think though the greatest reason I've been thinking more about wearing dresses has been because I have felt that my adamant refusal has more to do with pride and my rejection of the feminine nature God has given me than anything else. Pride, because I don't want to be legalistic or even have the appearance of it. It's hard to just go to the grocery store in a dress without me feeling as though people are looking at me and thinking I'm trying to look more holy. I know, I know, it's all in my head, no one cares what I'm wearing at the grocery store, but I suppose I'm just having a hard time not thinking about what others think of me. It's a pathetically sad excuse, but that's where I'm at.
I realize that I can be feminine in pants, but also know that I'm prone to just wear t-shirts and jeans, and at least a t-shirt with a skirt or a jersey dress would force femininity on me, and be just as comfortable. I just can't help but feel that my resistance to being more feminine in appearance has more to do with my pride and my wanting to be in charge and my rejecting of what God has made me.
The other great reason is because when I do dress more femininely my husband not only compliments me, but always says how much he wishes I would wear more feminine clothing more often. Every time he says this I feel so guilty. Not because I wear pants, but because he's right. I often find myself in t-shirts (usually old ones at that) or workout clothes when he comes home and on weekends. I want to please him, but I find myself holding onto selfish desires in this one area, claiming excuses of comfort and practicality when it actually comes down to I want to do what I want to do, and I don't care enough about his opinion to make any real changes just to please my husband.

So, in an endeavor to hold myself accountable, I am going to spend the rest of this spring and summer trying to be more feminine in my daily dress, and I'm going to document and give weekly updates here. This doesn't mean I will be wearing dresses to work in the garden or to run a couple of miles, but I am going to try and wear dresses skirts and more feminine shirts and pants even when I'm staying at home all day.
This is not going to be easy for me as I am inevitably fickle about most things and have trouble actually following through with things, but I'm counting on you to help me, and if any of you would like to join me, I'd love to hear how you're doing. So, go ahead and join me, won't you?
I would love to hear from any of you about how you've dealt with this area or if you're struggling like me.

Kind of a Book Review

I just finished reading "Death by Love: Letters from the Cross" by Mark Driscoll and Gerry Breshears. I first became acquainted with Mark Driscoll after seeing him speak on a video from a Desiring God conference a few years ago. I, being perpetually cautious, decided to look him up on his blog and youtube to learn more about him, his church, and ministry. Well, I can't agree with all of his methods (call me old fashioned, but I hate pragmatism in the church), but his theology and doctrine seem really sound.
In this book, Mr. Driscoll presents a collection of letters written to various people he has encountered through witnessing and counseling as a pastor, and they are used to describe different aspects of Christ's atoning death on the cross and how it works for believers. *Warning* This book is not for the faint of heart. There is a brief description of the individuals to whom the letters are written just prior to them, and some of the backstories are not only honest, but disturbing, as is all sin. However, they are not graphically described, nor is any undue attention placed there.
There are a few times where I've cringed at Mr. Driscoll's choice of words (though they aren't vulgar or crude). It's just that some of his descriptions, though accurate and honest, are very blunt and I could see how some could be taken aback by it and even be somewhat offended. Though overall I wasn't offended by them, just wished he had chosen a different way to say some things.
Each chapter is a real letter to a real person, suffering from real sin. And I was very impressed and convicted and challenged while reading each one. Mr. Driscoll uses alot of scripture in counseling and handles the Word of God very aptly, yet in a way that is simple enough for anyone to understand the gospel. And one of the most touching letters is one he wrote to his youngest son, explaining the gospel.
At the end of each chapter is a very useful question and answer section from Gerry Breshears, detailing the theological and doctrinal issues that have been brought up in the letter, reiterating the Scriptural basis for each. This is also a very good resource for an introduction to theological terminology, and gives very easy to understand definitions along with their scriptural references.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this book. I found the openness and honesty portrayed throughout to be not only refreshing, but reassuring. There is no better way for us, as those redeemed through Christ's atoning death, to glorify Him than to proclaim His supremacy and live victoriously in Him. It was encouraging to read something where issues that often don't get talked about openly were addressed in an honest, loving, and biblical way. Mr. Driscoll does a wonderful job of showing true compassion and love through the gospel without compromising truth in each of the letters, and is honest in his own struggles when dealing with some of the people. (He even tells of how hard it was for him to share the gospel with one older man who had abused all of his various wives and children every possible way and had lived a disgusting life in depravity.)
I think this would be an excellent book for teenagers and their parents to read together, because in his honest counseling we encounter many people broken by the lusts and sins of their youth, but the cross of Christ is lifted up and shown to be able to both propitiate the wrath of God and expiate us of our sins. For example, you won't find many other books where a child molester is given the gospel or a rape victim, and yet those are realities of the sinfulness of our world.
I was greatly convicted while reading, and often saw my sinfulness in each of the letters. I would recommend that, regardless of how you feel about Mark Driscoll's ministry, reading this book.  Mr. Driscoll is often criticized for addressing topics that are seen as inappropriate, but I disagree, and wish that more pastors and teachers, in an appropriate setting of course, would speak more openly and biblically about many of the things young people especially are dealing with and facing each day. There are topics that we don't like to think about, but we should and have to address all sin through the Bible. 

We're Not So Weird ;)

*Sigh*  Maybe I am just being lazy (I have a good excuse though), but I am putting up a link to another blog that I have been following lately, because her honesty so makes me feel less covetous of those families and parents and children who always seem to portray perfection in all they do. And her writing reminds me that my family is a blessing, even though we aren't picture perfect, most of the time, okay, all the time. She also reminds me that others probably aren't as perfect as they would like me to think they are. And honestly, I wouldn't change a thing about our lives.

This is a peak into Shelby's "rocket".
She didn't know I took her picture ;)

I love that my daughter is so creative and imaginative, even when it is messy or looks strange to others (I let her pick out her own clothes, and, yes, we do go out in tutus some times, but that's okay).

My hubby's favorite chair doesn't face the
t.v., but he can reach lots of books ;)

I love that my husband would rather sit with us and read aloud or talk with us than be with his friends or watch t.v. (he doesn't follow sports teams, just theologians).

My view of Lil' Feller in his Mei-Tai carrier

 I love that my baby boy wants to be continuously in my arms, and cries without me, even though it can prevent me from being as productive.
So, without further adieu, click here  to read the Headmistress and Zookeeper's post at The Common Room, and I hope you enjoy it :)